As a teenager, I was idealistic of the famous fairytale prince charming. I had anticipated to meet him probably in my early college life; which so happened. Lucky me! Mark and I met at the college library one chilly morning.
Our friendship blossomed. And finally, I had the man I dreamed to be with forever. Tall, dark, and handsome! His irresistible sense of humor combined with his wide bright smile made me forget my troubles.
The Mistake
We clicked so fast that I forgot all the dating rules. On our second formal date, we ate the forbidden fruit; after all, my mom was not around to check on the time I got to my room or whether I spent a night elsewhere. Everything seemed fine, or at least I thought so. Until I missed my periods and obviously, I was pregnant.
Immediately we realized it, we opted to look for the easiest way out of the shame of parenting while schooling. We moved out of the hostels and started living together as a couple. Naturally, job hunting followed. Unfortunately, I worked the hardest since I had called off my semester while Mark was still in school.
After Mark completed his studies, we planned a small wedding ceremony to conform to the society’s expectations. I financed it all since by then I was the only one working. Not really working but doing petty casual jobs like washing dishes in the restaurants and cleaning apartments.
Happily Ever After, Is Not As I Imagined
After the wedding, I saw a glimmer of hope in our marriage. Things seemed like they were starting to fall in place; being a wife and a soon to be a mom. But once mark landed his first formal job, my dreams were crushed.
Small fights began. Suddenly, he started noticing I had a short temper. Did this temper develop in a fortnight? But I really loved him. And even if I took offense, I didn’t have anywhere else to run to. My parents and siblings are a story for another day.
I’m A Hard Person to Live With
Currents of adjusting to the new life took a toll on me. I was losing him. Mark was also losing me. If I had frankly analyzed my character versus his, it could have been easier to accept this new life.
I had lived by myself for the most part of my tender age. I was only used to dealing with me. And now here comes another human whom I assumed all our marriage difficulties revolved around.
It took us some time to analyze the challenges, but instead of taking equal responsibility, I was the one who had to take charge of being sensitive to his needs. What a mistake!
I Married a Person As Broken As I Was
I found it hard to expect less from Mark. Eventually, he became a total wreck and a serial cheater. I watched him rise the ladders of success in his career while I struggled with the kids at home. The only job I was getting was in the restaurants and pubs. And if Mark found out that I was serving as a waitress, he would make me his punching bag for the better part of the evening.
Sometimes it feels like I deserved those beatings. I had failed to put my life together and I was an embarrassment to my husband. How would his friends respect him if they learned his wife occasionally received tips from strangers? And what would his juniors at work think of him? A man who drives the latest Benz in the market yet lets his wife serve hungry men for peanuts.
The Bottom Line
I struggle each day to admit my own weaknesses and to accept that Mark was in pieces as well. I should have lowered my expectation to other people, most especially my husband. I wish I knew how to deal with my broken pieces first before trying to change Mark, the man I had rushed to marry in the name of covering up our mistake.
I still hope that one day, after all these years of struggle with each other, this flower we call marriage will blossom. My friends think I am blind, maybe I am. What do you think?
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash